I Must Betray You

I may have expected more from this book based off its title and synopsis. A boy, desperate to turn the tide of a brutish regime, desperate to see change and be free. What does he do to impact that? What role does he play?

Cristian is a 17 year old high school student blackmailed into becoming an informer. He becomes a “traitor”, and I expected him to be some high traitorous spy lurking in the shadows that makes his betrayal so gut-wrenching, so morally dubious, or something much more high stakes. Well yes, informing on anyone is morally dubious, which Sepetys smartly writes about in her book, especially about how Romania's harsh implementation of surveillance sows distrust, suspicion, paranoia, and fear. Yet, throughout the book I kept wondering at what point will Cristian “turn the tide” or “undermine the regime” through his writing. Where will we see him attempt to manipulate his situation in favor of him and the freedom of all Romanians?

While the writing is rather straightforward to read, I found it hard to keep track of what exactly has happened. Sepetys is clearly a clever writer, with her ability to transition from Cristian's lamenting thoughts to current conversations he's having. But sometimes it became convoluted and I had to go back several pages or chapters to see where Cristian figured something out or what he was referring to (though, perhaps I should've had a more consistent reading schedule instead of reading it every other week, then I wouldn't have forgotten what happened).

I also found some parts of the revolution quite plot convenient for Cristian, such as the Jilava dog attack. It threw me off that the dog suddenly stopped and decided to attack/distract all the agents so Cristian could “slip past” them. By this point, I speculated that Cristian must have died in the revolution and became some iconic hero, simply because of the summary and that prologue. I felt as though the entire revolution arc felt rushed, but it could have been on purpose to resemble the characters' chaotic experience of the whole ordeal.

Hence, the plot direction wasn't what I expected and I was a bit disappointed. I guess I expected more of a spy-like novel, where the heroic protagonist becomes a revolutionary symbol and out-smarts the antagonist(s). Though, it wouldn't have been as realistic, would it? The Securitate is always one step ahead and sees right through Cristian, keeping tabs on him, making sure they always have the upper hand. It's an abusive, exploitative, domineering display of power that Ceaușescu willingly extends to his secret police force, the ones who do his dirty work by enforcing these systems of surveillance among normal citizens. They are the ones preying on innocents, playing with their lives, instilling fear, beating up anyone who isn't subordinate or obedient just to uphold their precious Communist regime. It's a cold reminder that while Ceaușescu may be the one in control, he is, in a way, a “figurehead” of surveillance; the actual watchful eyes of surveillance that invasively creeps into all aspects of your life are his henchmen and your neighbors, family, and friends.

That's why the title is “I Must Betray You”. It isn't simply Cristian who betrays everyone he knows, but it is everyone subjected to this life in Romania. Everyone betrays each other, without so much of a choice. They keep secrets to protect themselves or their loved ones, partaking in questionable acts they wouldn't normally do if they were not stuck in these circumstances.

Sepetys leaves some chapters on a bit of a mysterious cliff-hanger. I'm not sure if I enjoyed Cristian's “I should've seen it in hindsight” or “I didn't know it until...” type of thoughts. I kept waiting to see the big reveal, only to be left unsatisfied. We don't really know until towards the end of the book, especially the epilogue. The ending feels unsatisfactory, and there isn't a specific closure we get or Cristian gets (in-book). But reading Sepetys' last author's note changed my perspective of the ending. Closure isn't what everyone can get in real life, and questions can be left unanswered forever. The fact that Cristian can even seek closure is much more than what others can have. Even if closure is from someone he truly hates, who changed the entire trajectory of his life, Cristian still chooses to do so. The regime no longer controls him. He has a choice, and he can finally make one on his own.