Ace

Enlightening and enjoyable.

Fantastic work on Asexuality and the Ace community. Enjoyed the new views that this book shared and its commentary on sexuality, compulsory sexuality, and the world.

“Liberated sexuality–that is, sexuality free from social shaming–can look like promiscuity or it can look like celibacy.” (p. 59)

“It seems that the message is ‘we have liberated our sexuality, therefore we must now celebrate it and have as much sex as we want,'” says Jo, an ace policy worker in Australia. “Except ‘as much sex as we want' is always lots of sex and not no sex, because then we are oppressed, or possibly repressed, and we're either not being our true authentic selves, or we haven't discovered this crucial side of ourselves that is our sexuality in relation to other people, or we haven't grown up properly or awakened yet.” (p. 54)

“Sexual attraction, then, is horniness toward or caused by a specific person [or gender]. It is the desire to be sexual with that partner–libido with a target. To use a food metaphor: a person can feel physiological hunger, which would be like the sex drive, without craving a specific dish, which would be more like sexual attraction. And just as people have different sex drives, they also experience different levels of sexual attraction.” (p. 21)

“If aces make a big deal out of being ace and demand to be recognized, if we have created groups of our own, it is because we want a place away from sexual pressure. If we fight for visibility and change, it is because we want that pressure to be lifted for others too.” (p. 45)

I feel like this is important for everyone to read. It is informative about asexuality but apart from that will also make everyone think and question their assumptions. I do not identify as ace and never will but this book makes me think about how society works surrounding not only sex but also relationships and general intimacy. 

It really made me consider what I want out of a relationship and why I even want to have sex. What the goal would be and how to make sure you get what you are looking for while being happy with another person. I have never been one to follow societal rules but having that validated like this is great. It can give you great insights about yourself I think. 

I have been wanting to read more books about the queer spectrum in general and asexuality in particular for a long while now but I usually don't know where to start. So when I saw this book on a couple of best of 2021 reads lists, I knew I had to pick it up.

My first thought while reading this book was that how I wish I could have had something like this when I was a teenager. Because there is something so profound in finding a book where every word calls to you personally and you feel utterly seen and relating to many things being talked about. I don't know want to talk more about myself because it'll probably become a personal essay and I'm not sure if I'm ready to bare my heart out here. However, I have to say that the author does a wonderful job highlighting what asexuality is, the variation and spectrum of experiences, discussions about identity, consent, relationships, and interspersed between it all are personal stories of many ace people who discovered their asexuality at different stages of their life.

I also highly appreciated the second half of the book which talks much more about compulsory sexuality in our society; how sex is ingrained as one of the most aspects of a relationship and how this pervades our culture, leaving hardly any room for other deep and meaningful relationships like friendships or queerplatonic ones; and how our society is built around marriage (and sex within it) as an institution worth preserving but anything outside of it as not equally important. As someone who really deeply values my friendships and have found so much joy in them, it was nice to see my frustration about these non sexual but very full of love relationships not given enough weight in real life being reflected on the page.

To roundup, If you are someone who wants to know more about the asexuality spectrum (but in a more western middle class context), you should really checkout this book. It's both full of personal stories and discussions about how asexuality interacts with various other aspects of society and I found it very informative. And if you are someone who are still trying to figure out if you fall somewhere on the ace spectrum, I hope a book like this will help bring some clarity to you and answer some questions you've never found answers to.