Expiration Dates

CW: FMC has congenital heart disease

2.5 stars. Oh this book. How quickly it reads and yet how deeply it annoys. I'll have to be vague about my concerns to avoid spoilers (see content warning if you want a hint), but I can safely say that Expiration Dates is NOT “the romance that will define a generation,” as promised by the publisher's description.

Single gal and LA producer's assistant Daphne Bell has a unique secret. Every time she dates a man, she receives a mysterious piece of paper containing his name and how long the relationship will last. She has never tried to determine the source of these papers, or why she seems to be the lone person on planet Earth to experience them, but okay, I can go with that. On her way to a blind date set up by her BFF, she gets the expected paper but there is no time limit included next to the name “Jake.” Does this mean Jake is The One that she will marry and grow old with, the relationship with no expiration date?

Fortunately, Jake is a wonderful guy - caring, handsome, successful, funny, just the right amount of quirky - and soon he and Daphne are a happy couple. But as their relationship moves towards the next milestone, Daphne agonizes over the need to tell Jake her Big Secret. No, not that one. The Other Big Secret.

I will not divulge the nature of the Other Big Secret except to say that it takes the story into unexpected and unwelcome territory. What starts out as a lighthearted romcom with a gimmick turns into melodrama and angst. Genuinely nice people are deeply hurt as Daphne makes martyr-like choices for them. Flashbacks to her previous time-limited affairs serve little purpose besides establishing the infallibility of the expiration date messages. The plot includes a Love Triangle (one of my least favorite tropes) but the other guy is a playboy douche-bro whose Grand Gesture is an unforgiveable (to me) act of control.

The author describes every outfit Daphne wears, the decor of the restaurants she patronizes, and other unnecessary details such as the fact that the shopping mall at which Daphne and BFF meet for lunch has a Santa train at Christmas, a giant bunny at Easter, and a Gilmore Girls gazebo the whole year through. No wonder this was a quick read; I skipped over all of the extraneous stuff.

The one thing that saved this book from one-heart territory was the loving, supportive relationship that Daphne has with her parents. So often Jewish parents, especially mothers, are stereotypically portrayed as overly involved, meddling noodges. Debra and Moshe Bell are lovely people who are willing to meet their daughter where she is, not where they want her to be.

There are many glowing 5-star reviews of Expiration Dates on Goodreads, so it's clear that mine is a minority opinion. YMMV if you like melodrama, Instagram-like fashion and decor descriptions, and ambiguous endings.

ARC received from Net Galley in exchange for objective review.