I Never Thought of It That Way
Ratings4
Average rating3.5
15
Ratings4
Average rating3.5
“I can see this book helping estranged parties who are equally invested in bridging a gap—it could be assigned reading for fractured families aspiring to a harmonious Thanksgiving dinner.” —New York Times “Like all skills, these techniques take practice. But anyone who sincerely wants to bridge the gaps in understanding will appreciate this book. Guzmán is emphatic about making an effort to work on difficult conversations.” —Manhattan Book Review We think we have the answers, but we need to be asking a lot more questions. Journalist Mónica Guzmán is the loving liberal daughter of Mexican immigrants who voted—twice—for Donald Trump. When the country could no longer see straight across the political divide, Mónica set out to find what was blinding us and discovered the most eye-opening tool we’re not using: our own built-in curiosity. Partisanship is up, trust is down, and our social media feeds make us sure we’re right and everyone else is ignorant (or worse). But avoiding one another is hurting our relationships and our society. In this timely, personal guide, Mónica, the chief storyteller for the national cross-partisan depolarization organization Braver Angels, takes you to the real front lines of a crisis that threatens to grind America to a halt—broken conversations among confounded people. She shows you how to overcome the fear and certainty that surround us to finally do what only seems impossible: understand and even learn from people in your life whose whole worldview is different from or even opposed to yours. Drawing from cross-partisan conversations she’s had, organized, or witnessed everywhere from the echo chambers on social media to the wheat fields in Oregon to raw, unfiltered fights with her own family on election night, Mónica shows how you can put your natural sense of wonder to work for you immediately, finding the answers you need by talking with people—rather than about them—and asking the questions you want, curiously. In these pages, you’ll learn: How to ask what you really want to know (even if you’re afraid to) How to grow smarter from even the most tense interactions, online or off How to cross boundaries and find common ground—with anyone Whether you’re left, right, center, or not a fan of labels: If you’re ready to fight back against the confusion, heartbreak, and madness of our dangerously divided times—in your own life, at least—Mónica’s got the tools and fresh, surprising insights to prove that seeing where people are coming from isn’t just possible. It’s easier than you think.
Reviews with the most likes.
I like to be right. And if I can't be right, then I can at least be loud. And long-winded.
This can be toxic in our world today. Many people who disagree with my views carry guns.
I need this book. I learned tons of things from this book. I need to write down notes from this book and try them out. (Perhaps on Saturday when my family gathers for lunch? I don't think anyone in my family would draw a gun on me.) I might even read this book again.
Notes:
David Smith, in his lecture, “Civil Conversation in an Angry Age,” suggests we ask two questions that allow us to look at our opinions a second time. One is, “Are you willing to believe that you could be wrong about something?” The other one is, “Which do you value more, the truth or your own beliefs?”People can't know what they have never experienced.
Elizabeth G. Saunders says that when you feel like you win online, you have rarely changed anyone's mind. “Instead,” she says, “you stand as the triumphant king of a lonely land smoldering with the ashes of people you have decimated with your words, who are less likely than ever to listen to your side again.”To question our conclusions across perspectives, we have to get curious. We direct our curiosity at the mystery of who we are, the gaps between what we know and what we wish we knew, keeping people at the center of our conversations, rather than their opinions or our assumptions. Once we are there, we look for paths people walked to get to their perspectives, the different conclusions they draw about the world.”
Here's another great statement to make: “Let me think out loud for a bit.”The experience of being listened to is extremely rare in life. The key is to stay with one crucial question: “What do you mean?”
It's important to acknowledge and be honest about the attachments that influence you.A simple invitation to speak for someone who is holding back: “Any thoughts on this one?”
“Are you stuck with someone who is talking too much? At the next pause...ask if you can offer your experience with the topic.”“Every tough issue that divides us...puts some fundamentally good values into tension with one another.”
“What good solutions might we find if current constraints weren't an issue?”How do you approach opinions flexibly enough to boost your creativity? Share current thinking on an issue. Change the question. Listen longer. Acknowledge agreement. Untie thought knots. Hit reset. Acknowledge good points. Offer, “I don't know.”
Three moments of positivity for every moment of negativity.“How did you come to believe X?”
Explain yourself with story.Instead of commenting on someone else's opinion, pose a question.
Great question: “What's your most generous interpretation of why they disagree with you?”In the middle of a discussion, switch from the dance floor to the balcony.
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