I Never Thought of It That Way

I like to be right. And if I can't be right, then I can at least be loud. And long-winded.

This can be toxic in our world today. Many people who disagree with my views carry guns.

I need this book. I learned tons of things from this book. I need to write down notes from this book and try them out. (Perhaps on Saturday when my family gathers for lunch? I don't think anyone in my family would draw a gun on me.) I might even read this book again.

Notes:

David Smith, in his lecture, “Civil Conversation in an Angry Age,” suggests we ask two questions that allow us to look at our opinions a second time. One is, “Are you willing to believe that you could be wrong about something?” The other one is, “Which do you value more, the truth or your own beliefs?”People can't know what they have never experienced.

Elizabeth G. Saunders says that when you feel like you win online, you have rarely changed anyone's mind. “Instead,” she says, “you stand as the triumphant king of a lonely land smoldering with the ashes of people you have decimated with your words, who are less likely than ever to listen to your side again.”To question our conclusions across perspectives, we have to get curious. We direct our curiosity at the mystery of who we are, the gaps between what we know and what we wish we knew, keeping people at the center of our conversations, rather than their opinions or our assumptions. Once we are there, we look for paths people walked to get to their perspectives, the different conclusions they draw about the world.”

Here's another great statement to make: “Let me think out loud for a bit.”The experience of being listened to is extremely rare in life. The key is to stay with one crucial question: “What do you mean?”

It's important to acknowledge and be honest about the attachments that influence you.A simple invitation to speak for someone who is holding back: “Any thoughts on this one?”

“Are you stuck with someone who is talking too much? At the next pause...ask if you can offer your experience with the topic.”“Every tough issue that divides us...puts some fundamentally good values into tension with one another.”

“What good solutions might we find if current constraints weren't an issue?”How do you approach opinions flexibly enough to boost your creativity? Share current thinking on an issue. Change the question. Listen longer. Acknowledge agreement. Untie thought knots. Hit reset. Acknowledge good points. Offer, “I don't know.”

Three moments of positivity for every moment of negativity.“How did you come to believe X?”

Explain yourself with story.Instead of commenting on someone else's opinion, pose a question.

Great question: “What's your most generous interpretation of why they disagree with you?”In the middle of a discussion, switch from the dance floor to the balcony.