Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me)
Ratings15
Average rating4.2
15
Ratings15
Average rating4.2
At some point we all make a bad decision, do something that harms another person, or cling to an outdated belief. When we do, we strive to reduce the cognitive dissonance that results from feeling that we, who are smart, moral, and right, just did something that was dumb, immoral, or wrong.
Whether the consequences are trivial or tragic, it is difficult, and for some people impossible, to say, “I made a terrible mistake.” The higher the stakes—emotional, financial, moral—the greater that difficulty. Self-justification, the hardwired mechanism that blinds us to the possibility that we were wrong, has benefits: It lets us sleep at night and keeps us from torturing ourselves with regrets. But it can also block our ability to see our faults and errors. It legitimizes prejudice and corruption, distorts memory, and generates anger and rifts. It can keep prosecutors from admitting they put an innocent person in prison and from correcting that injustice, and it can keep politicians unable to change disastrous policies that cost billions of dollars and thousands of lives. In our private lives, it can be the death of love.
Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me) examines:
- Why we have so much trouble accepting information that conflicts with a belief we “know for sure” is right.
- The brain’s “blind spots” that make us unable to see our own prejudices, biases, corrupting influences, and hypocrisies.
- Why our memories tell more about what we believe now than what really happened then.
- How couples can break out of the spiral of blame and defensiveness.
- The evil that men and women can do in the name of God, country, and justice -- and why they don’t see their actions as evil at all.
- Why random acts of kindness create a “virtuous cycle” that perpetuates itself.
Most of all, this book explains how all of us can learn to own up and let go of the need to be right, and learn from the times we are wrong—so that we don't keep making the same mistakes over and over again.
http://www.mistakesweremadebutnotbyme.com/
Reviews with the most likes.
Second reading. My first was in 2007, before I was on Goodreads. I remember thinking then, boy are we fucked; nine years later an orange cockroach made it into the White House and this book helped me understand why. Also why the vast majority of those who supported the cockroach still do and can never be cured. This book helped me understand antimaskers, antivaxxers, and the mind-boggling hypocrisy of many so-called “christians.” It helps me understand so much about people.
More importantly, this book has helped me understand myself. In the years since I first read it, knowing this material has helped me think better when faced with moral questions. Act better. Be better. It's much harder to self-justify yourself when you're aware that you're doing it.
This third edition (2019) has relevant timely updates, mostly in the examples but also one addition on resolving one's inner conflicts. I consider that a welcome and important addition. (There's also a whole chapter on the cockroach. I skimmed it and find it unnecessary. Maybe it was cathartic for them to write it.)
How I wish everyone would read this book and take it to heart. Because if we don't learn this, boy are we fucked.
Before reading this book, I had been aware of the ideas of cognitive dissonance and self-justification, having encountered them in some day-to-day personal interactions, mostly related to money. (“X is good, and I want it, but I don't want to spend so much money on X... therefore, X is no good and I don't want it!”)
This book studies dissonance in larger real-world situations where the stakes are much higher. Through examples about corrupt politicians, false memories, police interrogations, and others, we see how powerful a force cognitive dissonance can be. The more wrong you are about something, the harder you'll try to convince yourself that you're not wrong. This leads to decisions that can harm many people.
This was an enlightening read, but disturbing at the same time. I came away from it with a hopeless feeling. There don't seem to be any solutions for the problem other than people realizing and admitting to their mistakes, but if self-justification is so ingrained in our minds, how would this actually happen? I don't know.
Short review: This is one of the most fascinating books I have read in a while. A popularly focused leadership/psychology book that has some real practical suggestions as well as a lot of negative examples. I wrote one of the longest reviews I have ever written on my blog because I was captured by the idea that not only do we often self-justify our actions in spite of the fact that it usually makes us look worse in the long term, but we really can make changes to our behavior. Really recommend this book to anyone with any sort of leadership position. Learning how to really look at a situation and not just prejudge it and learning how to admit mistakes and learn from them are probably two of the most important leadership traits any leader can learn. Both are discussed extensively in this book.
Full review on my blog at http://bookwi.se/mistakes-were-made-but-not-by-me-why-we-justify-foolish-beliefs-bad-decisions-and-hurtful-acts/
This was an absolutely nuts read. Very revealing of human nature and of the difficulties in being truly honest with our own intentions - the power of the ‘ego' is undeniable, as are the benefits from breaking away from it. Really great case studies that are heavily supported by scientific evidence.
Instead of looking for evidence to confirm my beliefs, assumptions and observations, framing life through a pseudo scientific lens - formalising the process of challenging these things I take to be true to find holes and errors that may be my own!
Prioritising empathy, not only in understanding another's point of view but being open to and allowing space for the possibility that they may be correct...lots of lessons for life and relationships.
