More Fables

When Uncle Brewster had put on his Annual Collar and combed his Beard and was about to start tothe Depot, his Wife, Aunt Mehely, looked at him through her Specs and shook her Head doubtfully.Then she spoke as follows: "You go slow there in the City. You know your Failin's. You're just fullof the Old Harry, and when you're Het Up you're just like as not to Raise Ned.""I guess I can take keer of myse'f about as well as the Next One," retorted Uncle Brewster. "I'vebeen to the Mill an' got my Grist, if any one should ask. I ain't no Greeny."With that he started for the Train, which was due in one Hour.As he rode toward the Great City he smoked a Baby Mine Cigar, purchased of the Butcher, and toldthe Brakeman a few Joe Millers just to throw out the Impression that he was Fine and Fancy.After he had Registered at the Hotel and Swelled Up properly when addressed as "Mister" by theClerk, he wanted to know if there was a Lively Show in Town. The Clerk told him to follow theStreet until he came to all the Electric Lights, and there he would find a Ballet. Uncle Brewsterfound the Place, and looked in through the Hole at an Assistant Treasurer, who was Pale and wore aRed Vest.UNCLE BREWSTER"I want a Chair near the Band," said Uncle Brewster. "How much does one of 'em Fetch?""Two Dollars," replied the Assistant Treasurer, pulling down his Cuffs and then examining himselfin a small Mirror at one side of the Diagram."Great Grief!" ejaculated Uncle Brewster. "I only paid Thirty-Five Cents for the Glass Blowers, an'I'll warrant you they beat your Troupe as bad as Cranberries beats Glue. I'll see you plumb in Halifaxbefore I-""Stand aside, please," said the Assistant Treasurer.Uncle Brewster saw a Policeman, and thought it his Duty to tell the Officer that the Theater Folkswere a Pack of Robbers."Up an Alley," said the Policeman.Instead of going to a Show, Uncle Brewster stood in front of a Clothing Store and watched the WaxFigures.When he got back to his Room the Bell-Hopper came around and asked him if he cared to Sit in aQuiet Game. Uncle Brewster wanted to know whether they were Gamblers or Business Men, andthe Boy said they were Business Men. It was all Friendly, with an Ante of Two Bits and theChandelier as the Limit. Uncle Brewster said he was accustomed to playing with Lima Beans, Threefor a Cent and One call Two and no fair to Bluff. The Bell-Hopper told him to Turn In and get aGood Night's Rest.Next Morning at the Hotel he spotted a stylish little Chunk of a Woman who kept the Cigar Caseand sold Books with Actress Photos on the outside.He walked over to buy a Cigar, but he happened to see the "3 for 50c." Label and his Feet got cold.So, instead of buying a Cigar, he conversed with the Proprietress. He seemed to be a Success withher, and ventured to say that he was a Stranger in Town and would like first-rate to go out to aLecture or some other kind of Entertainment that Evening if he could find a Nice Girl that didn'tmind going with a Respectable Man who could give References, and besides was nearly old enoughto be her Father. Then after the Lecture they could go to a First-Class Restaurant and have anOyster Stew.