More Happy Than Not

I bought this book in 2018 because I wanted to read all of Silvera's books. ‘They both die at the end' was big at the time and I wanted to read it, but decide it I'd start with this one. I won't overshare on the internet, but let's say I was not ready for the mentions the characters made about suicide. I decided to let it aside for a while, pick it up when I felt was time. And now has been time. And now I don't know how I feel about it.

I was definitely not expecting it to turn out to be such a sad book. Not devastating in a way that's broken me, but in a way that, if I had actually read this when I bought it, a period of time in my life in which I was still figuring out my gender and identity, would have completely broken me.

I can't decide if I prefer it this way. Reading this at 21, knowing who I am, fully accepting of my gayness, hoping for a happy ending, embracing being trans. Or reading this at 17, the age Aaron is, and will in a way remain to be. The age at which I tried my hardest not to be trans, the age at which I begged myself to be normal. The age at which I pleaded and cried my eyes out and got angry so often for being the way I will always remain.

I'm not trying to write a review. Honestly, I suck at those. I don't expect anyone to read this, I only hope I can look back at this one day and think: ‘hey, remember that time I read that book i was expecting to love, hated once I actually started it and ended up really liking?'.

I'm not really sure how I feel or what this book is supposed to mean. I don't understand how all that happened, in such little time. How hooked it got me at the most unexpected moment. It was not clicking until it clicked (I honestly thank the gays for this one), and then I couldn't stop reading. Like, for real, couldn't stop. I thought there would be such a cute happy ending, I thought Thomas was going to be gay. I, for the life of me, never thought it would end that way. Such a crude, raw and realistic ending. I don't even feel like crying, although I have a little, I just feel like staring at a wall for hours and being sad. Ironically, I also feel like going out and forming long-lasting memories, learning skills, loving people, just in case I won't be able to tomorrow. This book is such a positive and negative cry, a call for action and reflection, but it's also so conflicting, so... I just don't know what to say. I can't find the words. I hope I don't forget Aaron.