Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

UPDATE, December 2023: reread because there’s an Attachment zeitgeist in the air; it has repeatedly come up in the past three weeks, in unrelated contexts, with friends from separate circles. This was by far the best book I’ve read on attachment, and damn, it still is. In the two years since I first read it I’ve practiced many of its recommendations (and, of course, neglected others). I’ve come to accept that much of my life is not fixable, but also that this is okay, that I still have the ability to become a better person regardless. Fern works from the premise that our primary relationship is with our Self. It’s not that everything else follows from that, just that our self-attachment is one crucial part of the system. This is a book for anyone who interacts with other humans in any degree. I realize the title will scare off some people, and that’s a shame.

Much has changed in the understanding of attachment since I first read Siegel many years ago; much has also changed in the acceptance and understanding of ethical nonmonogamy in the last few decades. This book starts off strong by assuming an informed reader, giving brief background while focusing more on new perspectives. It remains strong all the way through, offering respectful and insightful takes on presence, communication, relationship safety – what we all work on every day – and providing useful ideas on ways to look at challenges. Well-written, engaging, and mature.Four stars, adding a half because of the final section on secure attachment with Self, and rounding up to five because so much of it hit home so aptly. Much of this is material I know; but like all such, I just need to be reminded sometimes, or to see things a different way. And the clincher: I finished the book, and am writing this, one day after performing my every-year-or-two psychedelic tune-up, this time a solo ritual in the mountains with the intention (chosen months before even starting this book) of exploring my self-love. The final sections, which I read today, are giving me tools to work with.Like many of us, I am a work in progress; it has taken me a lifetime to learn to love better, and I expect it will take the rest of my lifetime to continue learning and improving. Much like planting the proverbial tree, the best time for me to have had this book was thirty years ago, but the second best time is right now.