Reasons to Stay Alive

Matt Haig est un écrivain anglais que je ne connaissais pas jusque ce que je découvre ce livre. Dans Reasons to Stay Alive, publié en 2015, il livre son témoignage sur la dépression et l'anxiété dont il a souffert depuis l'âge de 24 ans.

Ce livre est difficile à juger d'un point de vue littéraire, mais à mon sens totalement utile, pour plusieurs raisons.

C'est d'abord un témoignage très personnel d'un auteur qui se livre et se dévoile. Je peux aisément imaginer à quel point oser écrire ce livre a pu être difficile pour Matt Haig. C'est le récit d'une expérience propre à l'auteur, même si nombreux sont les lecteurs qui y reconnaissent leur propre vécu face à la dépression et à l'anxiété.

C'est aussi un livre qui a pour objectif, comme son titre l'indique, de donner aux autres des raisons de vivre, c'est-à-dire de montrer à celles et ceux qui souffrent de dépression qu'il est possible d'aller mieux, de traverser cette période sombre et d'en sortir, différent mais vivant.

C'est également un livre destiné à ceux qui connaissent mal ou pas du tout les maladies gravitant autour de la santé mentale, ou qui en ont des idées préconcues. Ce n'est pas le premier livre qui tente de s'adresser à eux, mais Matt Haig le fait ici avec une fluidité et une justesse que j'ai envie de saluer.

C'est enfin un livre à la fois clair et obscur, qui ne cache rien des difficultés traversées par l'auteur mais montre aussi un chemin vers une situation apaisée. Pas parfaite, pas une guérison totale, mais une situation apaisée.

Je ne sais pas comment j'aurais perçu ce livre si je l'avais lu il y a deux ou trois ans, quand je me débattais dans les pires moments de ma propre dépression. Ce qui est sûr, c'est que lire aujourd'hui les mots de Matt Haig, alors que j'ai parcouru une partir du chemin qu'il décrit, m'a mis en face de quelque chose de connu, avec cette pointe de réconfort quand on se dit qu'on n'est pas seul à avoir vécu cela.

“There is no standard normal. Normal is subjective. There are seven billion versions of normal on this planet.”

If I'm very conflicted on how to rate this book. I've had quite a few problems with it. But it feels wrong to blast someone's personal account of their struggle with mental illness. Because this is what this book is, a memoir.

I feel that the title and the marketing were slightly misleading to me as I went into thinking it will go more into the existential question that opens the summary of this book “What does it mean to feel truly alive?” I thought it would try to approach this topic more universally, both from his personal experience and from the perspective of the research I'd assumed he's made on this topic. However, when it comes to answering this question there's no more than a list of the things that he enjoys and that make him feel alive and a few Twitter responses from random people.

The rest of the book is a breakdown of the sudden episode of depression that occurred when he was 24 years old. I noticed a lot of people were upset about his privileged background and how he had a strong support system made of his loving girlfriend and parents who practically carried him for a good while until he figured out how to stop being a living dead. But it's not like he can do anything about that. It's his personal experience. What I chose to take from this is that love is a powerful tool and that I have to cherish every moment of it is my personal life and that hopefully this will always keep me afloat while figuring out what can make me feel better.

Nonetheless, even taking this as a memoir I didn't feel fully satisfied with the content. From my perspective, it was too brief and superficial for such a heavy topic. I do understand that this was a very difficult thing to talk about, the author mentions several times that he was quite terrified about writing this book as he was afraid that it would trigger another grueling episode of depression. I can respect this fear. However, I, personally, needed more substance and I could tell he was holding back. There few part of the book that truly spoke to me, but many times I felt he was just barely scratching the surface. I wanted to know more of the why and the how. I suppose it all comes down to expectations. I was expecting too much from this book.

However, I can see how it can be valuable for a lot of people. I have had an interest in mental health and systems since I was a teenager. Since then I've been passionate about figuring out what makes me “Me”, what makes me behave how I behave, have the thoughts I have. But a lot of people don't have the experience of this quest so this book could be a good start. Whether they are struggling with their own “demons” or they want to understand better those of their loved ones, this book can offer some insight and hope.

“If you are the type of person who thinks too much about stuff then there is nothing lonelier in the world than being surrounded by a load of people on a different wavelength.”“The key is in accepting your thoughts, all of them, even the bad ones. Accept thoughts, but don't become them. Understand, for instance, that having a sad thought, even having a continual succession of sad thoughts, is not the same as being a sad person. You can walk through a storm and feel the wind but you know you are not the wind.”

Sometimes the only thing that keeps me from drowning completely in a sea of darkness is knowing that someone else understand this, that there is someone else who experiences the infinite black ocean with me. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the thought that I am not as alone as my mind wants me to believe.