The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read

Generally seemed like good advice but I disliked that most of the advice stemmed from individual case studies and therapy but didn't involve large group statistics and peer reviewed with long-term tracking of effects. This May be the limits of the field but only basing recommendations on low n cases seems unreliable.

I really enjoyed this book and I learnt a lot about it. I must say though that this is the first parenting book that I've read to completion so I'm not very informed on the subject. But yeah I learnt so much and I'd highly recommend it to anyone who's got kids or thinking about having kids. I can't relate with some of the sections where kids remind you of your own childhood or where you relate in a certain way with them because of your own childhood. I should come back to this review when I have kids I guess.

I found myself thinking of the book titled How to Talk to Your Kids while listening to this book. In the end, Perry credits that book as one of her sources of inspiration!

In some ways, this book falls into the category of confirmation bias, as it promotes beliefs I have. However, Perry dives into some of the psychological factors that drive us in our lives. I found this fascinating and I appreciate that Perry never makes one-size-fits-all advice.

The core belief is to protect the relationship by operating with respect and honesty with each other in age appropriate ways. While this seems simple, our feelings in the moment that are informed by our own experience as children.

Some specific ideas I came away with:

• Avoid good and bad evaluations of children and parents. Those evaluations tend to define people without taking time to understand them. (Note: This does not mean abusive parents should not be held accountable.) Putting other parents on an unreasonable pedestal or telling ourselves we are bad distorts reality and distracts from the goal of developing an honest and real relationship.
• Don't own a child's feelings or discount them. Giving them space and permission to work through their feelings is practice for being an emotionally healthy adult. This also develops trust between parent and child for more serious issues as they grow older. A child will seek out a parent they trust to listen to understand and work with them rather than give quick answers without acknowledging the real internal struggle.
• Being honest with children about our feelings develops trust and respect where authoritarian parenting develops distrust and a lack of respect.

I found the way Perry explained and illustrated her points helped me understand her message clearly. Some points have some well known and widely believed criticisms that she takes time to address in a positive fashion that acknowledges the reasons a person would agree with the criticism. In short, she displays in her writing the behavior of taking time to understand without necessarily agreeing with it. In fact, that seems to give more strength to her point.

I recommend this book to parent and teachers and anyone else who desires to build stronger, healthier relationships with loved ones in their lives. Although the book focuses on parent-child relationships, the concepts can be applied to almost any relationship.

Looking for the only parenting book you'll ever need? Seek no further! You will want to read “The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read”.

As a newfound dad of a 3-month old I am keen to improve on child rearing having reflected on my own formative years. Nevertheless, I was at a loss for a framework to compare mine with my child's.

Philippa Perry explains in a magnificent way - yet without fluff - that it all comes down to you understanding and empathizing with the feelings of your offspring. Especially at a younger age, when they aren't able to verbalize themselves well and logical reasoning is underdeveloped, it is critical for a caregiver to recognize and help name out loud any feelings (good or bad) the child may have to build rapport.

Similarly, Perry recommends to not be afraid to express your own feelings in your parent-child relationship. There's nothing more frustrating for your little one to be told “No” if a boundary has been put up that has nothing to do with them but implicitly protects the parent from their own hurt. Don't “define” your teenager for being “too young to go out” when in fact you don't feel at ease with them coming back home too late.

I won't hold you any longer now! Go read the book yourself. Your future adult kid will thank you.