The Ungrateful Refugee

Quite an eye-opening book on the refugee experience. Mixed together with different refugee stories, Nayeri tells her own live story, how her family fled Iran a few years after the Islamic Revolution, first to Dubai, then a camp in Italy and finally to America, in order to avoid prosecution after converting to Christianity.

Chronologically she goes through the steps every refugee has to endure: the actual escape, the restless waiting at an interim camp, the quest for official asylum, the never-ending assimilation process. And every step along the way, the refugee needs to create their narrative, tell their truths in such a way that it convinces immigration officers that one is worthy to receive help.

There's a cultural clash between what western cultures want to hear (the American wants heroic tales, the Dutch wants pure facts without contradictions) and how other cultures tell their stories. And lot of the time those stories are not easy to tell, just consider experiences tied to shame (persecution of homosexuality, rape victims).

In a world that will see more and more refugee crisis in the years to come, the question as to who is worthy to receive asylum, is a tricky one. Niyari points out the cruel contradiction that the West hates the ‘economic' refugee, while at the same time badmouthing the ‘broken' immigrant who has a hard time assimilating and contributing.

What an absolutely haunting yet necessary read.

The writing style is so brutal and evocative – I genuinely might have made at least 50 highlights over the course of the book. There were so many lines that just hit like a gut punch, almost like something you want to wince away from but you just can't stop reading. The emotions in this book bleed over so clearly that even as a person born and raised in America and 100% white, I felt like I was transported into situations and emotions I've never experienced and likely never will.

This was a very heavy read, but I don't regret reading it for a second. The way she described how impossibly hopeless it is to be a refugee, how you have to convince people that you've been through something terrible but you have to do it the right way, you have to prove you suffered in the specific ways that convince them that you deserve safety; it's just utterly heartbreaking.

I wish I could think of more to say about this book because it was truly unlike anything else I've ever read, but all I can say is that it will sit with me for a long time and I hope I learned a few things from it that I'll carry with me.

I was torn on what rating to give to this story.
I will share a few things that made me give it three stars instead of four.

Listening to the audio-book narrated by the author is always a great way to get the proper emotion from a book. I felt Dina Nayeri's passion and concern as she tells her story. Dina seemed to initially be comfortable with who she was, until other kids (who can be really mean) gave her reason to question herself. Dina left Iran with her mother for a better life. She recalls all the terror and confusion of the departure, and recalls how she felt various emotions through this journey. She was able to get a home in the United States, but was always striving to be better than everyone at something (anything). I loved hearing her truthful tales and she made me feel compassionate about what she had to endure.

But what does a little girl really know about a better life? She seemed to always want something else. It almost seemed as if nothing was good enough for her. She wanted, almost expected, more than what she was given. I understand there were many, many reasons for her ungratefulness, but even as an adult, it seems as if she became more ungrateful instead of understanding how many people were giving or sharing what they felt was best for her. It may not have been the best, and I completely understand how this may have caused some anger an regret. I am not able to judge her too much, since I have never walked a mile in her shoes. But I did walk miles in my own. For me, as a young single mother, I was ever grateful for the help I received from many, and rather than be angry for what I didn't get, I made myself better in order to give to myself and not take from others.
Yet, I don't recall Dina ever once in this book saying that it was this giving and sharing that allowed her to become the person she is today. What would she have become if she had to stay in war-torn Iran? Would she have survived? She has so much anger. The latter part of the book she just became angrier and angrier. There are so many better ways to direct that energy. I hope she can get past the anger and be more compassionate toward herself, those that want to help her, and those that need help.