This Adventure Ends

2.5/5 stars Dreams don't have to be realistic- that's why they're dreams. You have to work to make them happen. Or else they would be realities.
So hi. You don't remember me, but my name's Emi and I used to write reviews all the time on this site. I loved it, and am proud of every review I have ever written, but things happened and I ended up in a slump that lasted about a year and a half. Quite tragic, really, but like some person once said, you gotta learn from your past. Was it Mufasa who said that? I think it was Mufasa.

Anyways, I am pleased to announce that 2019 is the year that I write reviews once again. I also said that about 2018, but 2018 me was a effing liar.

Also, sorry, but no gifs. I'm typing this entire thing up on my mother's computer, and she just doesn't have a vast library of them on her desktop for some strange reason.

And so, in this year of Emi posting reviews again, we are gonna start with this book. As you can probably read, I mean, if you are on this website, I am assuming you can read this book is called This Adventure Ends, alternatively titled Omieffingod When Will This Book End?

Nothing against this book. I understand why so many people have thrown 5 stars reviews at it and claim that Emma Mills is Shakespeare reincarnated. But as I grow into the ripe old age of my twenties, I'm starting to not believe in love and instead in artificial insemination. Not that I'm gonna give up my ya contemporary novels anytime soon, you'll have to pry those from my cold, dead hand. In fact, my future artificially inseminated children are gonna be named Morgan Matson and Eliza (and her Monsters).

No, instead I'm officially a cynic™. Contemporary books aren't gonna be holding the same power they used to have over me. Love at first sight and kissing in the rain aren't gonna woo me like they used to. I'm not gonna go around falling for every cute contemporary boy with long eyelashes and a dark mysterious past. No, I'm cutting myself off. From now on, only about 90% of those boys will I fall for instead of the usual all of them. And Gabe Whatever-His-last-Name-Was is not gonna be one of them. To be honest, I don't think he would have been one if I hadn't become a cynic™ because Gabe was a boring af male love interest. But we'll get to that later.

First, lets talk about the girl behind the book. Miss Sloane Finch. Who is so funny and so cute and so effing annoying. She's a singer, and supposedly really good, but she only sings like twice in the entire book and mostly as a way to convenience the plot. Because why else would she be in New York at the same time as the oh so important painting that we'll also get to later?

Now, Sloane is suppose to be this hilarious character, who hides her true emotions behind her humor. And like, same, but that's not the point here. The point is that, none of Sloane's jokes, much like my own tbh, made me laugh. Instead, I rolled my eyes and tried to pretend that she didn't say anything at all. Almost everything that came out of her fictional mouth was like 2014 try hard tumblr had said it instead. Part of my soul just completely died out after the third starburst candy joke.

Well, try hard Sloane just moved to Florida from New York and this is supposedly important to the plot but isn't bc I honestly forgot all about this detail until just this moment. She never talked about New York once. I don't even know if New York means the city or the state. Like most things about Sloane, her living in New York was important to the plot only once and quickly disregarded after that. But anyways, she moves to Florida and her dad is Nicholas Sparks and they moved to Florida for his books or some shit like that.

Oh yeah, her dad is Nicholas Sparks obsessed with Teen Wolf. Obviously, he and the show he liked had a different name, but I'm not gonna go look through the book for it. Even though he was literally the best character in the entire book, that's really the only important thing to mention about him.

Well, two weeks into her new school in Florida, Sloane gets invited to a party. Which is one more party then I was ever invited to my entire four years of high school. There, she gets into a fight with some stereotypical jock who really only appears in the book during this scene because plot device. And because she gets into this fight, this girl named Vera decides that her and Sloane are gonna instantly be best friends forever until the end of time.

Now, Vera is cool and all. I didn't hate her. But she's also the most unrealistic character I've ever read. She supposedly has enough social media followers to fill up a stadium or two, but lives the life of an average American high schooler. Idk, this could be realistic and I could be wrong, but I'm sure if you had as many followers as the book suggested Vera did, school wouldn't be your first priority. You'd probably be missing a class or two attending Vidcon or some shit with other popular social media scarlets.

But anyways, Vera introduces Sloane to her not internet famous friend group and Sloane immediately becomes friends with them too. Despite the fact she's suppose to have a hard time making friends as she didn't have any in New York (or so I assume bc she literally never talks about New York). Now, if you are like me and have read the masterpiece that is Six of Crows, you get overly excited for any group of teenagers. But, unfortunately, this friend group has the chemistry of a brick. I'd write more about them, but to be honest, I think writing about that brick would probably be more interesting. Besides, the entire group was only together like three times the entire novel. There's not much to talk about.

Now, Vera also had a twin brother called Gabe who serves as Love Interest. And the entire book, all he does is be moody, be sad over a painting that was lost but he didn't put away in a safe place, date some girl named Alice, then at the very end he asks Sloane out. That's all. I literally don't recall one conversation between Sloane and Gabe that made me swoon and believe in love again.

Oh, that painting that I mentioned, Sloane decides after knowing Gabe for an entire 3 hours, that she's gonna track down this painting and literally goes all over the country looking for it and her parents are just like, “okay, have fun sweety.” She's 17. I couldn't care less about that painting, but it's important bc Vera and Gabe's mom painted it for them before she died, so the search for it is dragged out about one book too long. Luckily, there was a book written about Vera and Gabe's mom to help Sloane on the search.

That's right. Singer extraordinaire Sloane, daughter of Nicholas Sparks, moves to Florida where she meets social media star Vera, who's mother is famous enough to have a book written about her and her paintings. Totally believable.

I think it's about time I wrap up my first review of 2019, mostly because the more I'm writing about this book, the more I hate it. Anyways, thsi review probably sucked bc I'm a little rusty. But have a great New Year everyone and I hope it's filled with books that are much better than this shit hole and with that, This Review Ends.