0/5 stars 5,000/5 stars
“Still, the image haunted his dreams throughout the night: a lovely girl gazing at the stars, and the stars who gazed back.”
warning: anything marked spoiler is a spoiler for the entire series. so maybe beware or something if you are that one person who hasn't read up to Empire of Storms okay? there may also be some unmarked spoilers bc this review is 3,000 words long and i'm too lazy to read through it a thousandth time.
So even though I am certified trash™ for the ToG series, and will actually die for any SJM book even if they have the most fulgiest cover I have ever seen cough tower of dawn cough , this rude elf decided that I remembered absolutely nothing about the series and roped me into a reread.
Which was probably for the best, considering it's been two years since I first read Throne of Glass and all I remembered going into this book was
• Celaena gets her period
• There's a dog
• Talking doorknob aka bae
• Celaena dies and is overtaken by some snowflake named Aelin
• Rowan is the worst thing to ever happen to me
And after rereading, i realize now that only two of those things even happen in this book. I know, I know. I am such a fake fan. but considering this book is so unnecessary to the rest of the series, who hasn't forgotten a detail here and there????
And I was promised a talking doorknob and the fact he isn't in this book is so insulting. THe only reason I agreed to this reread was for him and i'm mort-ified rn. Sarah J Maas will be hearing from my lawyers any day now.
I'm also suing because not once is there a throne mentioned that is made out of glass. the title is misleading and i'm triggered. What is next? Are you going to tell me there are no crowns made out of midnights???
things that did happen in this book that I totally forgotten about:
• Dorian having a brother? like wtf since when?
• Kaltain??? i swear she wasn't in the book the first time i read it
• the castle is actually made of glass.what kind of architectural advances are in this regressed society? also that can't be safe? one dropped item and the entire castle is broken. how do you even get enough glass to make a castle? Like i understand maybe an accent wall of entirely windows but an entire building? that would be like a giant pain in the glass??? Also is there any privacy? what happens when feyre and rhysand visit and need some alone time? everyones gonna see them get naked.
• there's no manon and i'm still crying over that
• cain and how obvious it was that he's the villain. honestly the entire book you are like “cain is acting really suspicious, it is way to obvious that he's the bad guy” and guess what? he is.
• mort the doorknob doesn't show up until book 2 and i'm still upset
• there was a time when celanea was a normal human being who wasnt' magical at al
• i would literally predict this series to go in any direction except the direction it went.
but those things actually happened and I'm still in shock? It's only been two years since I first read this book and I can't believe how forgetful af I am. What did I forget in the later books? Am I imagine things? I am really such a fake SJM fan. Is there even a talking doorknob at all or did I just make him up????
URgh this book is so cliche and tropey and so predictable why am I such trash for it? Since this review doesn't already have enough lists, here's another to get you through the day.
This book contains the following:
• long lost princess Celaena who is both beautiful not like other girls
• the amazingly young and single and hot bachelor prince Dorian who is not like his tyrant father
• the young and successful and hot best friend guard prodigy Chaol with family issues
• the mean tyrant king who is so unimportant to the plot SJM forgot to give him a name but he's mean and hates life
• a love triangle bc all YA fantasies published in 2012 need a love triangle
• also bc it is 2012 and we are trying to leech off the success of the Hunger Games probably there is a lot of weapons and archery and “will she survive” stuff going on
• the beautiful princess, Nehemia, who's somehow still a princess even though her country was overtaken like five years before that seems to have ulterior motives but we also need her bc friendship
• The main character is a strong independent women who don't need no man so obviously she needs a man
• Forbidden magic bc that's such a game changer. never before seen in a book ever.
• ALso smart, beautiful rich girl is also a really big bitch
If this book was written by anyone but SJM I would probably just shrug it off and be like “nope” and forget it even exists but of course it's SJM and her writing and stories and characters are addicting af. I want rattle the stars tattooed on my forehead and i cry everytime i hear the words “will not be afraid” and will probably ship Celaena and Sam until the day I die. #SamDeservedBetter
this book is the absolute worse don't read it
I love this book. How could anyone ever give it less than five stars??????
I mean i did consider giving it 0 stars bc I was misled to believe mort was included in book #1, but then I remembered rowturd doesn't exist yet in this series and obviously, that is the greatest thing ever and I'd give it a billion stars if I could
Let's discuss some things I just don't understand for a minute, okay? I tried my hardest to either ignore these things or pretend they make sense but I can't let it go. They all make absolutely no sense.
1. Dorian, the Crown Prince of Adarlan, travels in person to Endovier go recruit Celaena to be his champion. He abandons all his princely responsibilities to make the long trek to a concentration camp to personally invite a notoriously dangerous criminal that could very well have died months prior to compete in a tournament thrown by his asshole of a father. Obviously, this is a ~great~ idea.
2. Also, who's brilliant idea was it to recruit a notoriously dangerous criminal to compete? It only took your country years to capture her, so why not? All that time and money and effort that was spent trying to arrest her will be wasted, but it's not a big deal right? Honestly, thank god Dorian ends up being run out of Adarlan in book five because he'd be a horrible king
3. The king may be a horrible man throughout this entire series, but at least he has some heart in between prequel and series to not murder the infamous assassin that has been wreaking havoc on his streets like any intelligent ruler would and instead send her to a concentration camp where she won't die instantly or else we'd not have any series to be trash over
4. Chaol is like 19? 20? in this book, but somehow he is able to snatch the highly elite job of Captain of the Guard. I'm sure he's great and all, but what about Joe or Frank over in the corner who's been working at the palace for twenty plus years, has a family of five to feed, and learns that they lost their promotion to some inexperienced teenager????
5. The entire love triangle thing why even waste the words when rowturd shows up in book three and ruins everything
6. Also Celaena agreeing to serve as the king's champion? This man killed your entire family and overtook your country. Just kill him in his sleep and get the hell out of that castle you idiot. don't just stand there and take his orders HE MURDERED YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY GET YOUR REVENGE
7. The book kept on mentioning that Sam is dead????? Sam isn't dead. He's alive. The events in The Assassin's Blade never happened. He was never killed. He's happy and alive.
But anyways, let's ignore all those for a second because I haven't even started talking about the plot of this book. Which is soo innocent compared to the rest of the series. Like what do you mean this fire breathing bitch queen was once a small naive girl who liked puppies, cake, and books??? What do you mean her only issues involved beating a bunch of boys she was already way more talented then??? Where's the evil fae queen tryign to kill her? where is some old ass white boy who needs a haircut proclaiming he's her mate????? where's the awkward sex on the beach????
If you somehow don't know, which I strongly doubt, this book starts out with the infamous Celaena Sardothien imprisoned in a concentration camp bc of some shit that went down in books prior. Then she's rescued by Crown Prince Dorian and Captain of the Guard Chaol in order for her to compete in this competition to become the king's personal assassin. Both boys eventually fall in love with her. Someone's killing off other competitors. If you haven't read this yet, ignore all the obvious tropes and go read it bc don't judge a series by its first book.
Let's talk about characters now shall we?
“My name is Celaena Sardothien. But it makes no difference if my name's Celaena or Lillian or Bitch, because I'd still beat you, no matter what you call me.”
Like, Aelin Ashryver Galythinus who? I only care about Celaena.
having her entire family murdered by the dude she's competing for
When I first read this book, I was pretty quick to guess that Celaena was the long lost Queen of Terrasen bc it mentioned A) she's 18 B) her parents died when she was 8 and C) The royal family of Terrasen were killed ten years prior. Also it's a YA book.
But during this reread, I was actually shocked about how obvious SJM makes it without explicitly stating it. For example, there is a quote on 37 pages into the book that left me so shook.
Magic was dead, the Fae were banished or executed, and she would never again have anything to do with the rise and fall of kingdoms. She'd never AGAIN have anything to do kingdom politics? Honestly how more obvious could SJM be? I am so mad at my past self for wasting all that time doing Sherlock shit trying to figure it out. The answer was written in plain text.
I know he gets magic in book 2 but that still doesn't add much to the plot tbh
August 16, 2022 edit:
“You look radiant, he said. “And you look radiant as well, Chaol.” He winked at his friend.
Honestly I can't look at her the same after that one scene from Empire of Storms. Like stop your lying girl. You know Celaena is Aelin. You know you are gonna die in a few months. You probably even know Rowturd is gonna show up in book three and ruin everything.
She didn't deserve to die in book two and I will never, ever be over it
it takes way too long into the book series for him to finally die
Still waiting for him to die....
I have read this series and discused it with so many people and yet I still don't understand how we go from infamous assassin who likes puppies to fae warrior fire queen trying to take down a country and marries a bird