A Biscuit, A Casket

Okay, so, the book started off pretty well. And it's not that I hate it or the characters. And I do love how pro-animals Stan is. (Even though I want to slap her and tell her feed her cat some taurine.) The mystery was pretty decent - at least I didn't predict the killer from the onset (though Stan did simply stumble across solving the mystery, which is a terrible trend in mysteries that I've been reading lately) - but the problems for me come in the form of Stan herself.

So, this is my first book in the series - which, to me, one of the benefit's of cozy mysteries is that they should be episodic and you should be able to pick up pretty much anywhere without feeling lost. This book does that well, with enough references to what I'm assuming happened in the previous book to make it clear that Stan got her first sample sleuthing by being suspect number one in the previous book. She also had more than a few run ins with the local law in the form of Officer Jessie Pasquale. The very female Officer Jessie Pasquale which I thought was nice in that she wasn't set to be the default love interest.

(Okay, when she was first introduced, I thought I had accidentally come across a lesbian cozy mystery which would have been nice, but I liked that Stan's love interest wasn't a cop. ... It's the cop's brother, Jake. (More on him later.) ... And I think Pasquale is married, actually.)

I was mostly enjoying this book, even with the other nitpicks and quibbles I'll mention later, until:

‘“Listen, Ms. Connor,” Pasquale said finally. “I appreciate your...enthusiasm, and the information, but this is a murder case. It's our top priority, and I'm very confident in our ability to solve it. Please don't hesitate to give us any information you come across, but also, please don't expect me to consult with you.”During Stan's corporate career, she'd met many people like Jessie Pasquale. Self-righteous, condescending, and convinced they were smarter than everyone else. Well, she had news for her. She was plenty smart. And now she was annoyed.‘

Whew, just reading that again makes me wonder what kind of mental gymnastics Stan had to do to reach those conclusions from Pasquale's words. If anything, I found Pasquale very professional to Stan throughout the book (despite apparently being the main suspect in the previous one) and I don't know what kind of weird vendetta Stan has against Pasquale but I am not here for it. (It is made obvious by little picks that Stan constantly mentally makes about Pasquale from the latter's first introduction that Stan doesn't like her - especially the constant ‘she oozes cop' and ‘her whole personality setting is cop' brand of mental put downs that make no sense considering - oh, hey! - Stan only sees her when Pasquale's at work investigating a murder.)

My next complaint about Stan is actually something I found kind of fun the first time or two it happened - but after probably more than a dozen instances it wore out its welcome. Stan has music playing in her head. ... I kid you not. Someone says the words ‘dark side' and Stan has ‘Kelly Clarkson running through her head'. Her mom acts weird and she hears the Twilight Zone theme song play. It gets annoying that it constantly happens - and it's made all the more blatantly peculiar by the fact that she is never referenced as listening to music. Not even when she jogs. Apparently she used to listen to music while working her corporate job. Which, don't worry, she'll constantly remind you that she had a corporate job that she's glad se no longer has. But she used to have a corporate job.

(The answer:

‘In her old, corporate life, it helped her to pull out her trusty notebook and jot down the facts, then write up a SARS report: Situation, actions taken, results, and support needed. Ad then focus on a theme song until her mind solved the problem.‘

...

Trust me, it doesn't make sense in context, either.)

Also, for a grown ass woman, she's kind of...weird about romance. So, she's attracted to Jake. Fine. He seems like a decent enough guy - if a little too stoic and ‘mysterious' for me. But there's just so many weird reactions she has to him.

‘An evening with Jake, even though he would be working, was tempting. She had to figure out if she was ready to give in.‘

Okay, first, Jake's a bar owner and he tends his own bar. So what, exactly, does Stan think is going to happen that she has to ‘give in' to? This makes literally no sense to me.

‘“Jake's kind of weird, too, so it's a good match.” Brenna winked and turned to go back into the kitchen.“Hang on a second.” Stan hurried after her, the dogs trotting obediently behind her. “What's that supposed to mean?”“Oh, you know. You two will eventually stop dancing around each other.” Brenna slid a try of cookies out of the oven.“How did you -“ Stan was about to argue the point - she'd never admitted to anyone that she sort of liked Jake -“‘

Okay, first of all, Brenna is Jake's sister that currently lives with him and she also works part time for him and part time for Stan. The girl knows. Secondly...What is this, grade school. I can just hear Stan's ‘I don't like him.'

‘Brenna grinned at her. “I wish you two would just get it over with.”“Brenna!” Stan blushed even redder. “I don't know what you're talking about.”‘

...

‘She could picture him, still in bed, rubbing his eyes, trying to focus and understand what she was talking about this time. Then she blushed.‘

... Uhm... Yeah, she blushes a lot, too, by the way. There's this whole section where Stan is being showed around the farm and she blushes and flushes like every other paragraph because - oh, the horror! - she doesn't know something.

Then, finally, the cut the cord moment for me where I was just finishing the book because I'd made it this far. (Which is sad because at one point - in the first 75 pages - I was thinking it'd be a four star book.) In one chapter, we are treated to this:

‘But thanks to the chew-‘em-up-and-spit-‘em-out atmosphere of corporate America, Stan had an edge. She knew how to keep a poker face, how to pretend nothing bothered her when in fact, she wanted to curl up in a corner and cry.‘

The very next chapter we have:

‘Coffee brewed, and Stan inhaled the scent of bold, bitter beans. Heaven.“Want a cup?” Izzy asked, a hint of a smile on her lips. Clearly Stan needed to work on her poker face.‘

?

I don't... I mean, what in the world?

And Stan's just very...judge-y.