Autoboyography

Disclaimer: I am about to write a novel in response to this novel.

I can't believe this book exists. It is very needed but admittedly very niche. I can't overstate its significance to people like me, and of course a more broad significance to the LGBTQ community, LDS members, and the overlap of the two.

Some personal backstory: I was born into the Mormon church and began the process of leaving in late high school. All of my immediate family has now left, over the course of about a decade.

I had some skepticism about how Autoboyography would portray the LDS church/culture. I think for this book to really work, the depiction of Mormonism needed to be spot-on. And I was impressed. Key components were present:

1. The centrality of appearances and respectability; the fundamental role of “niceness” in presenting Mormonism to the world; prioritization of pleasantries and smiles over uncomfortable critical thought and authenticity (à la “Turn It Off” from the BoM musical).

Mormons fear loss of control over how Mormonism is perceived, by both the general public, but also by other Mormons, because doubts of Mormons they know can sway their ability to maintain their convictions free of dissonance.

This idea is especially present in the representation of Sebastian's parents. They would rather live in coddled denial than face a reality that provokes them to interrogate their faith. This is bad enough by itself, but their expectation that Sebastian conceal himself behind a facade to provide them this comfort pushes it over the edge.

2. Understanding Mormonism as a culture upheld and reinforced by church members perpetually watching and judging and policing one another.

3. No. 2 notwithstanding, Autoboyography also touches on how “normal” Mormons (e.g., popular, straight, politically conservative) have more leeway to be lax about principles and norms without their community responding with alarm or disapproval, whereas queer and otherwise marginalized Mormons struggle to find acceptance, no matter how earnest and devout they are.

4. Collective insistence upon the supposed simplicity of supposed choices that are not really choices at all if one considers the consequences attached to not making the “right” ones.

This can be summed up by a quote from a talk given by a Mormon prophet proposing the following dichotomy: “You can be wise and happy [subtext: by following church doctrine] or stupid and miserable [subtext: by not following church doctrine]. The choice is yours.”

For many LDS members, leaving the Mormon church, or even believing and/or living in a manner somehow incongruous with LDS doctrine while staying, is inextricable from the risk of losing all sources of guidance and support. Sebastian speaks to this: “‘I can't imagine what I'd do if I left. It's like standing in an open field and trying to point to the four walls. There's just no framework to my life without the church.'” The false premise of agency is just salt in the wound. You can stay and suppress and comply, or you can lose everything. The choice is yours.

Okay, the list is over. I want to add that what I also liked about the depiction of Mormonism here, though I am sure members would largely disagree with this assessment, is that while certainly critical, this was not a demonization of Mormonism. It showed that Mormonism and Mormons are dimensional, containing, as all else, potential for both good and bad, for both stagnation and development. It showed how even the most stringent faiths are not truly monolithic, because they are subscribed to by complex and contradictory human beings.

Other things I appreciated:

I love that Tanner had such a healthy and open relationship with his parents. A lot of texts with teen protagonists sideline parents as oblivious at best. Parents are absent and/or ignored, gullible while constantly lied to, interacting with their kids only via sporadic yelling matches. It was refreshing to see a teen willing to talk to his parents and parents of a teen willing to listen. Tanner and his parents respected and trusted one another, and honest communication was central to their relationship. This served more a purpose than just to contrast with Sebastian's family dynamic.

Autoboyography distinguishes between conceptual support for a static “LGBTQ individual” existing vaguely out in the the world—in other words, voiced acceptance and support of a “that” or “them”—with how one responds to and treats the actual queer people one actually encounters in their actual lives. The book and its characters are perceptive enough to know that being happy about the legalization of marriage equality does not guarantee a certain response when one's best friend comes out to them as bi.

The book also demonstrates how people hurt by a culture can still hurt others in belonging to said culture. Sebastian's internalized homophobia encases his relationship with Tanner in stigma and fear and shame. It hurts Tanner to see Sebastian hurt, but it also hurts that Sebastian harbors so much self-loathing toward that which Tanner has long accepted in himself. Sebastian maligns and minimizes his identity in a manner that invalidates Tanner's identity. The situation is unfair to both of them for different reasons. Ultimately, though, Tanner tries to let Sebastian have as much say over his coming out process as he can. He appreciates why Sebastian thinks and behaves as he does, and exercises patience in letting him make his own way to painful forks in the road.

I don't really know how to end this but suffice it to say I found the book really great and I think everyone should read it! It's as cute as it is sad. And frankly, where else are you going to read a romance about bisexuality and Mormonism?