Beating Heart Baby

This strong debut YA/NA novel celebrates queerness, found family, marching band, anime, and most of all indie music. “Side A” of the book (you know, like a record) is told from the POV of half Filipino, pansexual Santi, who has just moved to LA with Aya, his mother's best friend/guardian, to repeat his junior year of high school. It's a chance for a fresh start, as Santi has blown off school for the past few years, drifting aimlessly after his mother died and an online friendship ended disastrously. On his first day of marching band practice, he is immediately adopted by a group of seniors, most of whom are queer, and the warm, welcoming band director Cap. For the first time in years Santi has something to look forward to and a stable routine. The only wrong note is the trumpet section leader, Suwa Moon, who seems to have a personal vendetta against Santi for no apparent reason.

But after Santi helps Suwa get through a panic attack, their relationship quickly starts to change. Starting with a shared love of older, obscure anime, the two boys find a lot of common ground, and their attraction sizzles. Suwa plans to audition to be the opening act for Cola Carter, a rising female singer, so the boys will probably have to say goodbye soon, but Santi hopes that they can find a way to keep their relationship going somehow. Until a secret is revealed that changes everything that Santi and Suwa thought they knew about each other.

Side B is narrated by Japanese/Korean transmasculine Suwa, who dealt with negative, punitive reactions from family and schoolmates to his transition, to the point where he is afraid to trust anyone enough to get close. Even the other marching band members don't know the full truth. That changes when he and Santi become involved, but he still reacts impulsively when he thinks he has been betrayed.

The romance between Santi and Suwa is very angsty, especially in the second half, but Lio Min skillfully captures the joy of finally finding someone who gets you after you have been lonely for years. Suwa's lyrics are poetic and emotional, reflecting his trauma and heartbreak. He struggles with when and how to fully come out to his growing number of fans; if talking about his struggle helps others like him live their truth, isn't it selfish for him to hold back?

I know what Cola wants from me. To smile and save at the audience and talk about how grateful and proud I am to be here, and how my being here is something to celebrate. To be the T in her diverse, “queer” coalition. But I'm just a boy who's figuring out how to be a man. And I don't really feel like I have the right to celebrate anything when I'm alive, but so many of my would-be “siblings” aren't.