Fitzwilliam Darcy, Rock Star

I have so many things to say. Most of which are versions of “I really want to fix this book!”

It started out well. The famous Austen characters are updated for the modern day, but they still retain their recognisable characteristics. Charlotte, now a lead character, was given a bit more to do, which I liked. And I admit I loved the name “Long Borne Suffering”! That made me chuckle.

So at first it's all going along swimmingly; Darcy is aloof and judgmental, Elizabeth is immediately on the defensive, and Charles and Jane are sweetly attracted to each other from the moment they meet. So far so good. But then it all just becomes a huge mess of terrible writing, exacerbated by the most awkward sex scenes I've ever read in my life. “He suckled her delicious tit”.... REALLY? I have no problem with sex scenes, but these really were the worst. And so unnecessary. We don't need to see Jane and Bingley having raunchy sex, ffs. Maybe one or two for when Elizabeth and Darcy finally get together, because sexual tension, but that's all that's necessary. I wish the author had had an editor to cut all the awkward sex - and even the “romantic” stuff is pretty cringe-worthy. “She purred happily in his arms”... VOMIT.

I want to slap this author because she had such a fun idea but no idea how to, well, WRITE it. A book like this was always going to be bordering on cheesy, but in the right hands it could have been cute and fun. I love fluff. But this was just... so bad. If someone (hello, elusive editor) had just ruthlessly cut all the sex scenes and some of the repetitive crap, fixed the most cringey bits, and cut the book down to about 75% of its current length, we might have had a cute, fluffy read. And that's all I wanted!

Two stars (three for premise, one for the terrible writing).