Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

I finally finished reading this book. I really wanted it to be the first thing I reviewed on the shiny new blog, for whatever reason. So here we are! I had been hearing about Polysecure basically since it came out, but due to life circumstances and my very ADHD self getting distracted by a million other shiny things, it took me until now to read it. I have to say I wish I had read it immediately upon its release. It would have been SO helpful over the last year. I'm glad to have the information and insight it's provided now, of course - and I will highly recommend it to anyone and everyone who has the slightest interest in non-monogamy or polyamory either for themselves or just to understand the relationship dynamic and lifestyle of a friend or loved one.

If you want to read my immediate reactions to reading, you can see my status updates here. So many good quotes!

I was slightly put off when I realized the foreward was written by Eve Rickert, co-author of More Than Two. More Than Two's other author has come under a lot of criticism by his former partners and the nonmonogamous (NM) world in general for his abusive practices. I have not (yet) read More Than Two for this reason and I was hesitant to continue to read Polysecure when I saw Eve's name in conjunction with it - BUT! But but. She states in the foreward that she is aware of the harm that More Than Two has caused, and indeed she wrote quite a lengthy blog post about it that you can read here. For further perspective on the More Than Two saga scandal, I recommend reading this post from Polyamory for Us.

Polysecure is based on the attachment theory of relationships, which has become extremely popular on social media and in mainstream media over the past few years. As with any concept that gains widespread popularity there is now a lot of misinformation and misuse or misapplication of information surrounding it, which leads some people to want to throw out the concept altogether. Fern does an excellent job of relating the concepts of the theory in layman's terms and also of reminding the reader that it is just a theory. She also emphasizes that just because a person may have tendencies to one or other of the attachment styles, that does not mean that we should take on that style as part of our identity but that the categories and labels are simply tools to help us understand ourselves and our partners, and to help us on our growth journey to self discovery. It's also important to note that the book also gives recommendations and advice in good faith - that is, the assumption is made that all the people involved in a relationship are operating with the best interest of everyone else in mind, and are not engaging in toxic or abusive behaviors. This is not the book for working with a narcissist, for example. Mental health struggles are also not really addressed. So again there is an assumption of ability here, which is to some extent warranted. Mental health problems are not an excuse of a get-out-of-jail free card to be unethical in our relationship behaviors, but they do sometimes limit what people are capable of dealing with and the amount of energy they have to put into and navigate relationships. What is worth sticking out and working through for one person may not be for another, for a myriad of reasons.

I'm going to break it down by chapters - there is so much information here and I think that sometimes people will be coming to the book looking for something more specific than what the chapter headers can tell them. Also I realize that sometimes when relationships are under duress, we simply don't have the mental and emotional bandwidth to read through the entirety of a book like this one, no matter how accessibly written! So here we go. I'm including a quote that I found particularly good at the end of each chapter section.

Part 1 - the why and wherefore

Chapter 1

Buckle up - this is the longest chapter in the book, and it can feel like a total slog at times. Especially if you're not particularly interested in the psychology behind attachment theory! BUT. Please, please take the time and put in the effort to read this chapter, even if you skip chapters 2 and 3. It is worth it, and in my opinion is essential to understanding why later courses of action are recommended. It discusses all the different styles of attachment, and includes some checklists and questions to help you discover which one you might lean towards. There is also some substantial discussion on the origin of attachment theory and why despite obvious differences between the child/caregiver (the original attachment theory) and adult/adult relationships, many of the concepts are still applicable. An overview of each of the four styles (secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized) is given, with a short list of common ways they present as well as scenarios that could have prompted the development of them.

“We learn to self-regulate through our connections with our attachment figures...we have to figure out how to identify and articulate our emotional states and then find ways to self-soothe as a healthy response instead of pulling away, shutting down or lashing out in emotional reactivity. We also need to learn how to healthily rely on others and to figure out when it's appropriate to seek support from them to help regulate our emotions.”

Chapter 2

“Our boundaries are the ways we protect ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally. They are how we establish our sovereignty, as well as how we open ourselves to others. Our boundaries are the meeting point between ourselves and another - the point at which we can be both separate and connected.”

Chapter 3

“What happens when the same societal structures that grant men superiority also deny them the full range of human emotions and threaten their status as men if they experience even the slightest form of sensitivity, vulnerability or indication of their needs for love, emotional safety and tenderness (basically, if men admit to having any attachment needs at all)?”

Part 2

Chapter 4

“Love is not possessive or a finite resource; it is normal to be attracted to more than one person at the same time; there are multiple ways to practice love, sexual and intimate relationships; and jealousy is not something to be avoided or feared, but something that can be informative and worked through.”

Chapter 5

“...relying too much on the structure of the relationship to ensure and safeguard secure attachment instead of the quality of relating between partners to forge secure attachment. When we rely on the structure of our relationship, whether that is through being monogamous with someone or practicing hierarchical forms of CNM [consensual nonmonogamy], we run the risk of forgetting that secure attachment is an embodied expression built upon how we consistently respond and attune to each other, not something that gets created through structure and hierarchy. Secure attachment is created through the quality of experience we have with our partners, not through the notion or the fact of either being married or being a primary partner.”

Chapter 6

“Monogamy can buffer us from our own personal insecurities. These may or may not be attachment based, but can be rooted in relational or cultural traumas and anxieties about our achievements, looks, intellectual abilities, likability, etc. When we commit to a longterm monogamous partnership or get married, these insecurities may still show up now and again, but many of them get eclipsed by the very fact that we have someone who has devoted themselves to us, someone who we think will love us and stay with us no matter how pimply our butt gets, no matter how much our body changes or no matter how stained and worn-out our underwear becomes. In such cases our self-esteem and sense of self-worth are contingent upon our partner being monogamously committed to us instead of anchored in our own internal sense of self-worth, self-love and self esteem.”

Part 3

Chapter 7

“Our attachment figures might be the people we feel levels of connection, compatibility or intensity with right from the start for reasons that we just can't explain, or they may be the people with whom our romantic attachments have organically grown in potency and depth over time.”

Chapter 8

“Repair attempts are much more successful when there is a pre-existing relationship culture of understanding each other, expressing gratitude and regularly doing nice things for each other, which supports the relationship in being better able to withstand the inevitable storms.”

Chapter 9

“You are the source of your happiness, love, courage, emotional regulation and purpose, and the sooner you can release your partner from being the source of these experiences the better for everyone involved (metamours included)...You must be a priority in your own life. Secure attachment with yourself means being aware of your feelings and desires, as well as being able to tend to your own needs and knowing how to advocate for them in relationships.”

Chapter 10

“Love is infinite, but time and resources are not.”