The Finalists

This book was bad. Like really bad. Like, The Room bad. Giving it a 2 instead of a 1 because it was so bad that it was entertaining.

Before I dive into the actual book, let's start with the author. David Bell, according to the bio blurb, has an MA in creative writing, a PhD in American literature and creative writing, and is currently an English professor. OK, good credentials... We'll revisit them shortly.

The premise here is that six students are vying for an academic scholarship. This is no ordinary scholarship, mind you. It is the most prestigious scholarship for the school with the caveat being total secrecy and seclusion during the selection process. The reason? Rich people can do whatever they want. Because of this, the author is able to get six students, the vice president, and the wealthy Hyde family's sole heir and donor into a locked room mystery.

If these seems convoluted, bear with me, because it get a whole lot worse. See: part of this selection process involves every single person in the house having to give up their phones and other personal affects until the end of the process. This is enforced by the head of campus police as stated by the Hyde family's bylaws. Maybe now is a good time to mention that these bylaws can be changed once a year, so essentially the rules get changed as is convenient. Waiting staff is allowed into the house before the games begin, and no one is allowed in or out until the end, lest the entire scholarship is dissolved. Ah, so the stakes are high...I guess. And for some reason they're so high that there are no contingency measures for emergencies. Makes sense for a measly scholarship. Oh, and there are protests happening because dad gum liberals or whatever.

So, who is dumb enough to partake in this, you ask? We'll I'd love to tell you!

1) Milo - The Front Runner - This guy has it all! He's smart, everyone likes him, he's got a great personality, but everyone in this room has a jealousy problem with him. Whoa, hope nothing bad happens to him!

2) Natalia - The Brain - She's as smart as Milo, but she's undocumented. Ooooooooh.

3) James - The Rule Follower - He's not just a "rule follower." He's an old military guy. Not a single emotion in this guy, just logic. Real Data from Star Trek type stuff.

4) Sydney - The Athlete - Maybe not as smart as the others, but she really can play volleyball. Has some skeletons in her closet...but who doesn't, amirite?

5) Duffy - The Cowboy - Starts off with a cowboy hat, ends up just being a guy.

6) Emily - The Social Justice Warrior - All of these are directly from the back of the book. Someone actually wrote that down, not me. Yeah, she's a rude dude with a 'tude, but her intentions are good, I hope.

7) Vice President Troy Gaines - The university's go-between for the students and the Hyde family. He wants to keep both sides happy because he's just that good of a guy.

8) Nicholas Hyde - The sole heir to the Hyde Family fortune, this guy is a dickhead...or is he?

Every single one of these characters fucking sucked. They're all terrible, terrible caricatures written by a guy who's never ran into a single smart person, undocumented student and/or Latina, soldier and/or black person, athlete, cowboy, social justice warrior, or rich person in his life. Every single one of these doofuses is the direct reflection of how someone like the Vice Principal would see them. Going back to the author's role in academia: wow, who could've seen that coming? The vice principal's actions are hilariously dumb. He has no street smarts, barely any book smarts, and can't do simple things like opening a window or door.

From the moment the door locks, the plot points and mysteries just pile up like a huge stack of triceratops poo filled with sick. So, the college is simultaneously dirt poor but also extremely expensive and prestigious? The Hyde Family is soooooo rich that they can just pay for bazillions of dollars for students and their businesses but can't afford simple fixes on the one thing that keeps them in the public eye? Puh-lease. This book is just teeming with shit like this. It never gets better, only worse. Nobody makes any decisions that make sense whether or not you see the people as real characters or dumb stereotypes. They just kind of float through the book without direction, even Mr Logic. And then the book ends.

It's really hard to point out how ridiculous all of this is without giving spoilers, so yeah, I can't give this 1 star because I do think people should read it. Unlike most mysteries that will make you wonder what's going to happen next or who is responsible, you'll most likely be laughing and scratching your head.

And then the cherry on top? I don't know if it was the author or the publisher's doing, but there is a fucking Book Club Discussion at the end of this? Like, what the fuuuuuuuuuuck? Who needs to discuss this god damn book that was written by and adult for adults that reads like YA drivel? I literally laughed the hardest when I was reading the discussion points. Here are a couple:

- "While everyone waits outisde Hyde House, we are introduced to the students who will participate in the exam. Does the group seem like a typical cross section of today's college students?" All due respect, Mr Bell, but this is something you should've asked yourself BEFORE writing this nonsense.

- "Two characters behave heroically at the end. Did the behavior of either of those characters surprise you?" Well, one was you writing yourself into the book, so is this a question for your ex-girlfriends?

- "What do you think of Troy's character arc in the novel? Why and how has he changed?" Without spoilers, this is a hilarious question, but also, OK Mrs Jones-Keller, my 7th grade English teacher.

So yeah, nobody ever talks about how laughably bad writing can be. This one really opened my eyes.