The Sound of Gravel: A Memoir

It's hard to write a critical review for a memoir stuffed with trauma, because how can I object to someone's personal recollections, especially of horrible things? Unfortunately, though, this one lost me at some point along the way.In The Sound of Gravel, Ruth Wariner recounts growing up in a polygamist offshoot of the mainstream Mormon church. Her family spends a lot of time in Mexico, fearing the end of the United States. Her father was a central figure in their faith, but was killed in a plot by her uncle. After his death, her mom becomes the second wife of a disgusting man named Lane. Ruth describes the precarity and violence she and her siblings endured. Lack of adequate food, housing, healthcare, education, attention. Financial insecurity (paired with either heavy reliance on public assistance or directives by church leaders urging followers to deprive themselves of needed support from the state) is a common aspect of cultish branches of white Christianity encouraging tons of kids. Not to mention the parentification, especially of older daughters.Ruth witnesses and is subjected to all sorts of abuse, and struggles to find support when she works up the courage to tell others the danger she is in. It is a book about how survivors of sexual abuse are somehow both not believed about and blamed for what happened to them. It is a book about how our society gets more up in arms about accusers ruining a man's life than the lives a man ruined with his actions.It is a book about how mothers and wives can be complicit in familial abuse, and how many are simultaneously abused and abusive in their own right. Frankly, I think Ruth goes a little easy on Kathy. Kathy's life was tragically cut short, but she sure did a lot of harm to her kids in that short time. I did have a little epiphany while reading this. If a woman believes in the principle of polygamy, as Ruth's mom did, the number one attribute she will look for in a partner is a man who wants more than one spouse. She can't take a second wife herself, let alone a second husband, so whether she herself can live out the practice hinges on this. This means a good man is not someone who is kind or attentive. A good man is not even someone who provides materially for his family, ensuring their comfort and security despite being often absent because he has other families to take care of. No, a good man is a man with more than one wife. That's it, that's what allows everyone to obtain celestial glory. Instead of seeing how polygamy itself is creating jealousy and scarcity, wives say to themselves (and their children, in Ruth's case), “It is not ever going to be bad enough for me to leave, because he is a polygamist.” Her salvation is dependent on him continuing to do the thing which makes her life complicated and difficult. The root of the issue is also what redeems him in her eyes.Kathy's convictions about polygamy lead her to stay with Lane no matter the horrors he puts her and their children through, no matter how many times he fails to support or provide for their family. It certainly does not help that educational and professional pursuits are deemed irrelevant to girls and women, who are then made to crank out as many kids as is biologically possible. That certainly does not make leaving less intimidating.It's almost like a faith where women are collected like playing cards by deadbeat, violent, adulterers creates and maintains a culture of horrible men? Could that be right? Also why in the world would Matt take a second wife??? I hate that he did that.Maybe a weird gripe, but I do feel like the Prologue was almost misleading? It's an artistic choice I get it I get it. But we spent so long on some phases of life and skipped over others by decades. Ruth also presents herself as so even-keeled and discerning no matter her age or the situation. It feels a little unrealistic and flat. Also I have a lot of thoughts about its commentary on disability and institutionalization but I am too tired to make them coherent. So I'm just documenting that sometimes I think things.If you like darker memoirs about cults, awful parents, or both (like [b:Educated 35133922 Educated Tara Westover https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1506026635l/35133922.SY75.jpg 53814228], [b:Breaking Free 34217597 Breaking Free Rachel Jeffs https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1498607251l/34217597.SY75.jpg 55268473], or [b:The Glass Castle 7445 The Glass Castle Jeannette Walls https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1523542886l/7445.SY75.jpg 2944133]), you'll probably like this — hopefully more than I did!