I Must Betray You

I don't even know where to begin - this book was everything that I expected and so much more. I'm writing this from the point of view of a person who is Romanian, but hasn't lived through the revolution - my parents did.

It is very clear to me that the author has done her research in a very thorough way. There were lots of things that impressed me, that made me smile thinking how beautiful it is to see them on paper, written by a foreign author, read by the entire world. Things like the names of the stray dogs Fetita and Turbatu (which are Romanian words for “Little Girl” and “The rabid one”). Things like the jokes Bunu and Cristian were saying with “Bula”, who is a very popular character in Romanian jokes. This book truly felt like home to me, even though it shows the not-so-pretty parts of Romania.

“I Must Betray You” is a very, very painful book. It shows the history of Romania in the communist era, the struggles our people have endured: no electricity, no hot water, waiting in never-ending lines for scraps of food, being opressed, not having the freedom to say what they were thinking, being followed by the Securitate, not being able to trust anyone, not even their own family. I love Ruta Sepetys for writing about Romania, for making people understand what my country has been through. There are a lot of people who have no idea what truly happened in Romania and I feel like the world SHOULD know.

This book made me cry so much. I literally cried for the entire second half of the book, I was reading through my tears the story of Cristian and his friends and family. How they fought with the communists, how they struggled to survive.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to read about a very painful history, but beware that this book is painful and you're going to neet lots and lots of tissues.

I may have expected more from this book based off its title and synopsis. A boy, desperate to turn the tide of a brutish regime, desperate to see change and be free. What does he do to impact that? What role does he play?

Cristian is a 17 year old high school student blackmailed into becoming an informer. He becomes a “traitor”, and I expected him to be some high traitorous spy lurking in the shadows that makes his betrayal so gut-wrenching, so morally dubious, or something much more high stakes. Well yes, informing on anyone is morally dubious, which Sepetys smartly writes about in her book, especially about how Romania's harsh implementation of surveillance sows distrust, suspicion, paranoia, and fear. Yet, throughout the book I kept wondering at what point will Cristian “turn the tide” or “undermine the regime” through his writing. Where will we see him attempt to manipulate his situation in favor of him and the freedom of all Romanians?

While the writing is rather straightforward to read, I found it hard to keep track of what exactly has happened. Sepetys is clearly a clever writer, with her ability to transition from Cristian's lamenting thoughts to current conversations he's having. But sometimes it became convoluted and I had to go back several pages or chapters to see where Cristian figured something out or what he was referring to (though, perhaps I should've had a more consistent reading schedule instead of reading it every other week, then I wouldn't have forgotten what happened).

I also found some parts of the revolution quite plot convenient for Cristian, such as the Jilava dog attack. It threw me off that the dog suddenly stopped and decided to attack/distract all the agents so Cristian could “slip past” them. By this point, I speculated that Cristian must have died in the revolution and became some iconic hero, simply because of the summary and that prologue. I felt as though the entire revolution arc felt rushed, but it could have been on purpose to resemble the characters' chaotic experience of the whole ordeal.

Hence, the plot direction wasn't what I expected and I was a bit disappointed. I guess I expected more of a spy-like novel, where the heroic protagonist becomes a revolutionary symbol and out-smarts the antagonist(s). Though, it wouldn't have been as realistic, would it? The Securitate is always one step ahead and sees right through Cristian, keeping tabs on him, making sure they always have the upper hand. It's an abusive, exploitative, domineering display of power that Ceaușescu willingly extends to his secret police force, the ones who do his dirty work by enforcing these systems of surveillance among normal citizens. They are the ones preying on innocents, playing with their lives, instilling fear, beating up anyone who isn't subordinate or obedient just to uphold their precious Communist regime. It's a cold reminder that while Ceaușescu may be the one in control, he is, in a way, a “figurehead” of surveillance; the actual watchful eyes of surveillance that invasively creeps into all aspects of your life are his henchmen and your neighbors, family, and friends.

That's why the title is “I Must Betray You”. It isn't simply Cristian who betrays everyone he knows, but it is everyone subjected to this life in Romania. Everyone betrays each other, without so much of a choice. They keep secrets to protect themselves or their loved ones, partaking in questionable acts they wouldn't normally do if they were not stuck in these circumstances.

Sepetys leaves some chapters on a bit of a mysterious cliff-hanger. I'm not sure if I enjoyed Cristian's “I should've seen it in hindsight” or “I didn't know it until...” type of thoughts. I kept waiting to see the big reveal, only to be left unsatisfied. We don't really know until towards the end of the book, especially the epilogue. The ending feels unsatisfactory, and there isn't a specific closure we get or Cristian gets (in-book). But reading Sepetys' last author's note changed my perspective of the ending. Closure isn't what everyone can get in real life, and questions can be left unanswered forever. The fact that Cristian can even seek closure is much more than what others can have. Even if closure is from someone he truly hates, who changed the entire trajectory of his life, Cristian still chooses to do so. The regime no longer controls him. He has a choice, and he can finally make one on his own.

The State controls the amount of food we eat, our electricity, our transportation, the information we receive. But with philosophy, we control our own minds. What if the internal landscape was ours to build and paint?

A powerful read. While the writing style was not always for me (e.g., dramatic line breaks), the tone, setting, and realism were on point. Reading Sepetys' postscript, it is eminently clear she researched the hell out of this book and pulled no punches in conveying the truth. It inspired me to learn more about a chapter of history I knew very little about.